A Letter To The Guy Who Put His Feet Up On Nancy Pelosi’s Desk
Dear Mr. Barnett,
I had an opportunity to become aware of you after your maskless photograph, lounging in Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi’s office, made its way onto the world wide web. Welcome to stardom! I have often wondered what the inner workings of the Capitol look like. Thanks to you and your fellow rabble-rousers I was able to get a behind-the-scenes tour.
I am sure it felt wonderful to rest your weary feet after traveling all the way to D.C. to see the president and his comrades speak. Carrying your large American flag on the long walk to the Capital, storming police barricades, and breaching the Senate chambers sounds incredibly taxing. Whew — I am exhausted just thinking about it. No wonder you needed to take a break. I hope you were super comfy reclining while the throngs of senators, representatives, and Capitol staff were swept away to secure locations not knowing whether they would live or die.
I read you were kind enough to leave Speaker Pelosi a note on her desk after her personal and professional belongings were plundered, and before you were escorted out of the building by Capitol Police. I hope the note included your detailed thoughts on how to get the American economy running again, a mass vaccine distribution plan, and ideas for bringing an end to the systemic racial inequalities our black and brown brothers and sisters face on a daily basis.
You were also super thoughtful to leave Speaker Pelosi 25 cents to cover the cost of a piece of her mail that you bled on and then placed in your pocket and took with you. Good thinking not leaving a nasty bloody piece of her personal property on her desk. Thank goodness you are an upstanding citizen and not a common thief. I am sure she appreciated the gesture and can put the funds toward the office clean-up costs as well as replacement furniture, windows, and mirrors.
Word on the street from some D.C. folks is you may be in a heep of trouble. Eek! They take things like illegally storming a government building while attempting a coup so serious in D.C. You have to admit, you were photographed multiple times, shirtless and maskless, inside and out of the Capital, as well as self-identified yourself to multiple news outlets as “White Nationalist and Trump Supporter Richard Barnett of Gravette, Arkansas.” I am taking a wild guess, but law enforcement may have an easier time tracking you down now.
You probably never could have imagined facing potential prison time, what with being white and a man after all. However, based on history, I am 100% confident the criminal justice system will absolutely take your white male privilege into consideration when evaluating your participation in the insurrection and probably go light on your sentence.
I am not sure how many opportunities you will have to put your feet up while incarcerated in federal prison. Hopefully it is not one of those all work no play situations. Just try and make the best of it and find some other like-minded white nationalists to befriend. I bet the four individuals who lost their lives during the siege would gladly take your place in federal prison if given the opportunity. On the bright side, I did hear prison inmates are getting Covid-19 vaccines before the general public. So you have that going for you.
In closing, I hope you enjoyed your time at the Capitol making America great again, as well as the notoriety it has afforded you. And if you play your cards right, Trump might just end up being your bunkmate.
Fare thee well,
S.M. Zapalac
Stacey M. Zapalac (@smzapalac) is a satire and humor writer based in Chicago, IL.
