I am Sen. Josh Hawley And After Much Consideration I Have Decided To Continue to Torment America With Baseless Claims And Undermine Democracy
During this inflection point in America, one might assume I would examine the collective actions of President Trump and steer my moral compass in the direction of what is just and right, and far away from the poisoned stew of partisanship. After all, I am a senator and did take an oath to uphold the Constitution. But, I thought about it, and decided nah, it’ll be way better for me to feed the chaos beast’s ego and stay on Trump’s nice list.
Some think I should feel really bad about objecting to the Electoral College vote tally — attempting to undo the will of the nation’s voters. People are so darn hypersensitive when it comes to the Constitution, voting, democracy, yada yada yada. Whatev. Following the rules is for noobs, not political ladder climbing lawmakers like me. All those recounts, failed lawsuits, and debunked claims of widespread voter fraud won’t deter me from being a sore loser and residing in an augmented reality like President Trump. Just look at all the attention and publicity it gets you!
Sure Trump lost, “the most secure election in U.S. history,” yet continues to whine incessantly about it, blaming everyone for the loss except himself. And you know what, this is really working for him and it could work for me too. Look at all those guys and gals who showed up at the Capitol in support of him. At this point I don’t think I could get more than three, maybe four people to show up in riot gear, with zip ties, and Viking horns to storm the Senate chambers at my behest. But, wouldn’t that be rad if I could command that kind of loyalty?
I knew my challenge to the Electoral College votes had no chance in hell at succeeding. However, my objections looked good to Trump’s base and that is where the republican action is my friends — and I go where the action is. Listen, I know the folks who stormed the Capitol are a gnarly bunch. Heck even I admit they look like they are from the Land of Misfit Toys. I didn’t see much of that in the halls of Yale Law School or Stanford University. But they seem to believe anything you tell them as long as you put a #Q in front of it. Feeding this assemblage of bedlam with a bunch more baseless claims may be my ticket to political power (and money). After all, I am a fresh faced (read: white) 41 year old male with the gonads to help undermine American democracy. I am the future of the Republican party.
So while I serve in the Senate and represent the great state of Missouri, I will do my best, along with my compadres Senators Cruz (TX), Braun (IN), Kennedy (LA), Johnson (WI), Daines (MT), Lankford (OK), Blackburn (TN), and Haggerty (TN), to ensure our democratic institutions are impeded, and that we reach the highest echelons of political success for our own self-serving interests. Sure we might opt for some gerrymandering or reinterpret the Electoral Count Act. But, you gotta get with it — upholding democratic values is so 1776. In the end we are autocratic patriots willing to ensure American’s faith in democracy is muddled. And when that happens, it is a win-win for me and… well, just me.
Stacey M. Zapalac (@smzapalac) is a satire and humor writer based in Chicago, IL.
